A Painful Memory--The Story of Grace.

I can still remember how it felt. Walking from the gym into that bathroom stall, I felt like my world was crashing down. 

Only four months into my seventeenth year, no place to call home and a baby on the way. I can still remember my thoughts. 

I had just walked out of the Gym. I knew that was where I could find him, doing what he loved most, playing the game. 

It was getting close, my stomach would soon show. Having taking vows to never speak to each other again, I felt I needed to share just one last thing. Finding him alone in there, I pleaded--

"You have to tell her." 

His mom. 

I don't know what I really expected in that moment. Two scared kids, thinking we had all the answers. Perhaps I thought he'd turn to me and say, "It's all going to be alright." 

He replies, "I don't have to do anything."

Remembering my reaction, I can still feel that empty feeling; I felt like I would die. 

Walking away, head hung in shame, world spinning. I found the nearest shelter, a place to hide.

It was the nearest place. 

It was empty, nobody around. Falling faintly against the new green wall, sliding down with my hands pressing against my face, tears falling heavily against my cheeks. It was there, in that shameful place, between two walls with a door that latched, the question that haunted me: "Who do you think you are?" 

I can remember the pain I felt that day.

"You have no home."

"You are a young girl whose future is gone."

"You are a joke."

"You are hated."

"You are unwanted."

"Look what you've done." 

I remember shouting, "I know, I know!" "What am I thinking?!" "Who do I think I am?!" "I cannot do this, I just need to die." 

It was there that I found grace. 

I can remember it, even this day. I can remember what that broken, humbling moment felt like. I can still feel the scars. Me, just a young girl, alone. No comfort of a home to go to, no family to walk with through the hardest thing I had ever come to. No known hope, no known future, only grace.

I can still remember my sweet, sweet Jesus, "Yes. Yes, you can do this, you are not alone and I will help you."

Grace was there and I was unaware. Unaware of who He even was, who he 

really was.

This thought I cannot escape--Grace is everywhere. 

We still cross the bridge. The same bridge we passed two or three times per year, usually on holidays traveling home to visit family out of obligation. Now we pass it each week, sometimes more than once, but always on Thursdays. We cross it at the end of a long list of names, delivering sweet meals to lonely people in the town I grew up in. 

Passing over that bridge, it all comes back to me--my heart song for so many years, "Please God, never send us here." Crossing that bridge during those years of visits home, I would ask Daniel, "Where is the one place you hope God never sends you?"

He would always reply: "Home."

Now, I cross that bridge just outside of our little town and think, "I can't beleive He brought me home." Then the thought comes again, Grace is everywhere.

Looking around I ponder. Where is this grace?

There is nothing like being in your hometown. NOTHING. There is nothing like seeing people you shared your life with, throwing it all away. Seeing people you loved, some you gave your heart to, some you thought you'd love forever, dying inside, missing grace. It's there, they are just unaware. 

There is nothing like something as simple as going to the restroom at a basketball game and walking into a place where you once wept and wanted to die. A place you thought you would never come back to.

It makes me look around and ask myself, what grace am I unaware of now? 

I look over at the kitchen table at two teenage boys and ask myself-- Is grace the boy who comes to dinner every chance he can just to sit and be a part of a family? A boy who would never sit here, pray here, share the highs and lows of his day here, if we had not said yes to take in someone from another country? Besides, if it weren't for Angus, we wouldn't even know that boy.

Or what about the girl, the one at the high-school who shared her love for the people of Africa with Angus? Who, when hearing her excitement came home to share with us what she said and now I am able to talk with her about Katie and her amazing work in Uganda.  Or was it her parents, who thanked me tonight. Is that grace? Grace that a stranger encouraged their daughter?

Perhaps grace is sitting up into late hours of the night, listening to the terrible, frightening things someone from Taiwan has endured for the sake of pleasing "other gods" A conversation that makes me very afraid of the reality of hell. A conversation that makes my heart break even more for the ones who have never heard of the goodness of our sweet Jesus. 

Then, of course, there is grace in his excitement as he starts to see a glimpse of what grace really is. 

Could it be in the little old lady hugging me saying, "Thank you for making time for me." Is all the cost, all the time, all the preparation that goes into that one meal? Is that grace?

Is grace my girls going to visit with the grandparents who nobody wants to visit? Sitting and learning how to crochet? Listening closely to all the stories from the past wondering why their real grandchildren can't find the time to stop by, is that grace?

What about a bunch of home-school  families gathering together for a field trip, some on their very first one, even after several years of homeschooling? Could it be grace? Just knowing it's because you finally said, "OK,  I'll do it.

Is grace taking tonight's meal to a bunch of high-school basketball boys in the town you hoped you'd never return to, watching your husband, the grace filled love of your life, who once said, "I don't have to do anything" coach one of your little graces on the court of his favorite game, during half time, remembering a time when a conversation in that same gym sent you away ready to die? (yes, read it again... s.l.o.w and insert your graces)

Oh friends--

it.must.all.be.grace

Loves Always,

Grace.

Lately, I have been looking for ways to point out grace and blessings to my children. The wonderful thing about teaching your children is, it teaches you too. =)

Alli has been working real hard to save up for a watch she wanted. For weeks she saved and saved but was always needing to dip into her saving for something; cat food, to help someone, etc.

Daniel and I had already purchased the watch because it was on sale, marked down from $30 to $16. It was sitting in our cupboard just waiting for her. So, after weeks of Alli's saving and coming up just short, I decided to give an example of grace. She didn't deserve the watch, she had not paid the price in full; but I canceled her debt and allowed her to enjoy the reward.


Isn't that amazing? The grace that our father pours over us, is truly amazing.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2: 8-9

Everything we do in life we could contribute to ourselves. Not Grace. It is a free gift that you cannot make go away. You can choose to not accept it but it is always there, waiting.

What a blessing it is when we take the time to live out an example of Grace. Loving and forgiving people of their debts.

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The McDonald's Man Has a Story Too, Ya Know

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Ready to Quit? Perhaps it's time to get in the dirt...

I almost didn't do it.

I walked into the house and said, "I'm quitting it all." 

"I'm tired."

What, are you surprised?

Just because you have a calling on your heart, doesn't make it easy.

Actually, it's easier to give up-- or better yet, not even start.
 
Did you know, I'm a quitter? Did you know, I'm a mess? Did you know, sometimes I get tired and want to give up? Did you know some times, I yell, cuss, and wish for a quick shot of something hard (that being hard liquor for those of you with virgin vocabulary ; ) 

If you think less of me now-- you thought too much of me to begin with.   

I am so broken. 

Crying hard, I yelled-- "Why do I have to start everything!? Why can't I just be a part of something?" 

Little did I know, I was a part of something.

 

Did you know, if you knew who I am apart from Him-- you would turn and walk away?

I wonder what she did?

What did she do? What did she say? There, looking Grace in the eyes--

How did she react? 

"Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives, but early the next morning he was back again at the Temple. A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them. As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd.

“Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery.  The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”

They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!”  Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.

When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman. Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”

“No, Lord,” she said.

And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

John 8:1-11

Did she sit and anxiously await the following Sunday when she could go to church and share what happened to her? How about starting each morning with devotion? Did she sit in her comfy, cozy house by the fire and meditate on His goodness with christian music playing in the background? Perhaps she even gave a shout out on Facebook of how big and good her God was.

Or wait! Her eyes were open to grace, open to what she had been forgiven of-- she was now "better than that." Better than that person she once was.

Did she forget?

Did she forget where she came from? Did she forget what it felt like? Did she forget the Grace in His eyes and how they looked on her with compassion, love, and mercy-- regardless of what she had done? Did she know she didn't deserve it? {yes, read it again s.lo.w}

Don't get me wrong, Christian music is good, and I love me some cozy meditation beside the fire. And of course, we all know--quiet bible time before my day is full of loud, is the best start to the day.

But what good are those devotions, those songs, that grace-- if my hands are not getting dirty.

What good are those scriptures; God breathed and useful for teaching, rebuking, and training in righteousness, if I'm sitting on the sofa reading my Bible--maybe even baking cookies for a church bake sale-- but I have not loved with my hands, with my feet, with my story.

 

"But don't just listen to God's word. You must do what it says. Otherwise you are only fooling yourselves. For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it."

James 1:22-25

So, I quit. I threw my fit. Cried real hard. Felt overwhelmed. Got back up. And started to plan the SHARE-- where people could come and get whatever they needed or wanted. All for free.

I asked some people to help. For some, it was their first time to feel the dirt. Some felt uncomfortable; some felt stretched.  For that day, we lived the scriptures-- we dug through bags of peoples junk making it treasures for someone else.

 We even had christian music playing in the background. 

 

 

 

It's not about me. It's not about what I have done. I have done so little. In fact, more bad than good. No, friends. It's about the opportunity to be a part of the big story-- The God Story. 

It's about Grace. 

It's about the unexplainable, always perfect, always covering, always good, love of our sweet Jesus. It's about knowing, you are never too far from Grace. Did you hear that? You are never too far from Grace. Your storm is never too big, your attitude is never to rotten, your pain is never to deep. Your past is never too ugly, your choices never define you. That love that covers the dirt, the wounds, the imperfections-- yup, it's always there.

Oh, friends I can only hope! When we have discovered this gift, this grace, this LOVE... it would cause us to be crazy! It would get us off the sofa and into the dirt, not only reading but living the scriptures. It would make us tired and even a little crazy. Oh, that It would keep us bent low to the ground, healing through helping.

“At the end of life we will not be judged by how many diplomas we have received, how much money we have made, how many great things we have done.

We will be judged by "I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat, I was naked and you clothed me. I was homeless, and you took me in.”

--Mother Teresa

Healing with you,




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Grace

When we got there, of course, it happened again. Looking around in amazement, I thought to myself, "Just get busy and get rid of some of this stuff."

She seemed to walk fine to me, playing with her little puppy outside. In fact, when we got there she was walking around her yard on her cell phone. Why does she need our help, I wondered.

I unloaded my four little children into the cold evening air expecting to finish in two hours only to reach the gate and know it would take much more than a cold evening, this would take another day.


She had replied to an ad we had placed in the local paper offering free leaf raking help to local people 55+ who either needed help or needed us to do the job for them. We were there to rake her yard. A simple task. After all, her yard needed major help, it had not been tended to for several years.

When you walked through the gate, you could see her life which once was. Play toys, flower gardens, sitting areas, and even a pool. At first glance someone would think...

"This person doesn't need help, she just needs to clean up her yard." 


That is what I love about our Jesus. It's not always the person who needs help he's helping, it's usually me. 

We worked hard that night, doing as much as we could.  The kids we're having a blast, there were so many leaves to have fun in, making piles, running and jumping. Discovering treasures that had been buried under the mess of leaves for what looked like, years. 

We all do it. We judge. We make excuses for why someone isn't worthy of our Graces. Why we don't have time to help. Why our help won't make a difference because we're just one person. 

So, we never start. 

As I worked that night, I couldn't stop thinking about Grace and how absolutely desperate I am for it's gift and how so many of us look like we don't need it.


I stopped and chatted with Ms. Mary for a bit. She told me of her grand kids who once swam in the big pool now overtaken with weeds and how long she saved for that patio furniture nobody sits in anymore. She shared with me about all the pins in her back, the countless surgeries she had endured and how she was preparing for yet another one. She said thank you countless times. When we left, her eyes filled with tears and she said,  

"Nobody ever helps."

 

 

She had experienced Grace. I don't know how it happened, I mean, all we did was rake some leaves. My goodness, the kids even argued a few times over the rakes. 

How does grace show up looking like some crazy kids and a tired mom? 


When we love people, no matter how big or small He does all the rest. He moves and stirs their hearts, He uses our crazy, messed up lives to love and help people. 

It's how they know, He cares. 

They know He cares because you came. Because you sat and chatted, because you touched them. Because you hugged them, cleaned their house, talked them away from their addiction one more time, took them into your home one more time, or perhaps forgave them once again. 

I realized that night, for the first time, some people, just need to see Jesus. 

Some people don't need to be taught about Jesus; they don't even need to hear the Sunday sermon. They've heard it all before; they know about Jesus, they've heard the stories. Some may even sit in a pew all their days and never really see Jesus. 


I'd like to tell you it's always easy. I'd like to tell you loving on people always brings you contentment, always fills your voids.  I'd like to tell you everyone we deliver meals to on Thursdays are always nice, and I'm totally fulfilled doing Eleos. I'd like to tell you I'm totally content where I am in serving others and I'd like to tell you I  don't pray each time I read Katie's  updates that He would send me there to help. I'd like to tell you, I don't question God and beg Him to let me do something more. I'd like to tell you I've never had to stop and pray before we leave on Thursdays asking God to forgive me for yelling at the kids or being impatient when we're trying to get out of the house.

But I can't

I can't because I am desperate. So, desperate for His Grace. I can't because I'm broken. I'm broken and only complete in Him.

Like so many, I didn't deserve grace. I was a liar and a thief.  I was an unwed mother at 17. I was selfish,  mean, and full of hate. I was broken.

I wonder why we look at that and say, Yes that person needs Jesus, they need our help. But we look at the people who are lazy, maybe spend their money in the wrong places and can't pay their bills, perhaps they don't make wise choices, maybe they gossip, or have been mean to us and we decide they deserve what they have, "what they've created for themselves."

I remember a question was once asked of me.

"What does the face of someone who has experienced grace look like?"

I think Katie Davis puts it best. She says, "People come up to her all the time saying:

"Wow, you are so lucky you have found what God wants you to do with your life." Katie says she always thinks, " Well, I didn't just find it... I read it in the Bible." She continues, "As someone who calls themselves Christ followers,  it is made very apparent that as Christ followers we are to love others as we love ourselves. "Well", she continues, "myself doesn't want to be starving and so I don't want other people in the world to be starving." 

Maybe it's all a little more simple than we thought.  I wonder why we're worried to start doing something? Why don't we realize that if He demands it of us, He probably has a plan to see us through.

Loves,

living the book of James-- week four of a simple devotion.

living the book of James
week 4
chapter 2:14-26

Sitting here with my little Emmyn, soaking up this week in James. Journey with me? psssst, it's one of my fav's =)

We ended last week with James 2: 5-12 and are starting this week with James 2:14-26

Monday: read James 2:14-26

Tuesday: read James 2:14-26 AGAIN and then go back and read James 2:14- 15  (thru end of 15)

Question: Do we consider ourselves someone who has faith? The passage is not referring to a faith like,  “oh yes I believe in Jesus.”  We cannot just say, “yes, I believe in Jesus, I have faith in him” and never do a good deed.  He is saying that a GENUINE Faith will produce good deeds because we cannot have a true faith without good deeds.

It is like this: If you are an apple tree, what kind of fruit are you going to produce? Apples! always! There will never be an orange on your tree. IF we are someone who is captured by faith in Christ as a savior than we will automatically be someone who produces good deeds. It is like the apple tree; it cannot help but produce Apples. Like a young tree, someone young in their faith will not produce as much as a mature tree, although they are producing. We cannot help but produce good deeds, it's an overflow of the God story.

Are you saved by deeds? No, not by deeds alone. We are saved by grace and grace alone. Grace, my - oh - my that wonderful thing called grace.

What a great deed that was-- the journey to the cross.

Tomorrow, lets examine ourselves. Are we REALLY a person of faith? Let's keep tabs on all of our good deeds and keep track of all our bad deeds. Which one wins out? How often do we think of others first? Friends, this is not a time for us to say, “Oh man, this is too hard; I can’t ever be good enough.” NO!

It's not all about being good enough, it's about being good--good to others.

All  God asks of us is we try. And when we mess up or fail, just try again. Lets try to be a person who thinks of others first. Trying to be a person who is more worried about other people than ourselves. It is something we can acquire, I promise! Galatians says that we will know a Christian by their fruit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.) If we are striving to live a life that Loves God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength our life will produce good deeds, which IS a true faith, the kind of faith that we are saved by.

Wednesday:  Read James 2: 15-17 (thru to the end of 17)

It seems like a lot of times we just see a ‘sad situation’ and walk away without doing something. We may even go home and say to our family… "I talked with this person l today that is having a real hard time, they just kept telling me about all this bad stuff that keeps happening to them." and you continue by saying… "I felt so sorry for them." 

What if, instead of just making that the ‘story of our day’ we made it the story of their day. What if we made a change in that person’s life--all by a simple deed.

What if we went home, cleaned out our closet and took that person a lot of new clothes from our own closet? Groceries from our own pantry, A gift tucked away in a secret place for them to find, never telling them what you did?

Have you ever done something like that? Let's take a second to write down what we think of this passage. Have we ever been in this situation? How does the passage challenge us?

Thursday: Read James 2:14-24

Notice that he asks in vs 14 ‘can such faith (a faith without good deeds) save you…’ What do you think?  vs 20 says You foolish man, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless? Then he tells the story of Abraham who was willing to sacrifice his son because God had told him to. God sent a sacrifice and Abraham did not have to do that but because of his faithfulness to honor God, his faithfulness to love God more than he even loved his son, he was called God’s friend.  Then he continues by saying… you see? A person is justified by what he does and not by faith alone.

Thought for tomorrow: Does God call us his friend?

Friday: Read James 2: 20-26

vs 26 says As a body without the spirit is dead so faith without deeds is dead.

This weekend, let's try to focus on being ALIVE in Christ! So excited about what he did for us, is doing for us we cannot help but make this life WONDERFUL by an overflowing of sharing love with others. Let's have fun, laugh, focus on the blessings of beauty all around us. Let's be thankful for friends to talk to, legs to walk on, clothes to wear, little cheeks to kiss, phones to talk to friends with… everything! When we learn to focus on the wonderful things it makes it a lot easier to love people through good deeds/actions/ words, etc.

It becomes our heartbeat.

Are you hurting right now? Hurting too much for this? Then friend, I pray someone is living this scripture with you, loving you like that sweet Jesus loves us.

 Loves to you, friend. 

totally lost? we started living the book of james here
week two is here
week three is here

When it cuts you to the heart and the coffee sits cold.

 

I should have known better. After all, she had told me no thanks the first three times I asked. I should have known not to ask again.

But the yard looked so nice, and the flowers were in bloom. My green thumb, she told me I would one day have, had come and the fruit of it was bursting forth in beauty. I thought she'd be so proud.

We sat the table nice, outside and put on a big pot of fresh coffee, expecting an evening of walking through the garden and around back to the bushes I wanted to cut down, asking her opinion.

I can't recall when exactly I could tell it was going to get bad.

She was running late, the eggs were getting cold. Trying hard to keep omelets warm, knowing she hadn't had one in years, nerves were began to start, and my fingers working quickly.

"Grandma's here" Judah comes in to say. She'd never come in and say hello, oh no.

Time for dinner.

We all sit outside enjoying a meal, letting Grandma talk mostly, that way is best. Afterwards, I pour us both a cup of coffee-- ready to sit and try this "chatting thing" I hear works for some moms and daughters. Then it hits her.

"Where are the plants I gave you last year?" she asks.

"Well, mom I told you I wasn't really a 'dig up plants' kind of girl-- you told me it was OK, you didn't expect them back."

"Yes", she says... "But I gave you the pots to put them in last fall."

"Well, mom I just didn't get around to it and then the first frost came and they died, where was I going to put four big, dug up, elephant ear plants anyway?"

"Could you at least give me back my pots?" She says.

I reply, "Yes, In fact, they are already in the back of Daniel's truck, I keep meaning to give them to you."

I go get the pots.

"Where's the big green one?" she asks.

"Actually" I say, "The kids accidentally broke it a while back."

"WHAT? She says, Kati you should be more responsible."

"I'm sorry, mom. I'm busy, I have five children I'm raising right now. They play. They break things."

"Don't give me that." she says. "I raised four children."  (I came along so late that I was raised all alone though)

I said, "I'm sorry mom, I'm just not as good of a mom as you."

She says, "Oh no, you just have don't any discipline in your home."

She goes on to tell me about how she had just spend $2.50 on that new green pot from wal-mart last year and never got to use it. Tearing me down with little sarcasms. All the while, I'm sitting there, quiet. Thinking,

do you even know me?

Me.

The one -- the only one of your children -- who remembers holidays and birthdays, the only one whose presents sit under your tree at Christmas. The only one who calls, who checks, who seems to care?

Me.

The one who brings you a meal each week during Eleos.

Me.

The only one who invites you to dinner.

Me.

The only one who says, "I love you" to you.

Me.

Do you even know me? Really? $2.50, that's your breaking point? That's where grace ends and bitterness begins? I've never broken anything you've given me.  It's not some crazy bad habit I have.

Finally, I say: "OK, mom, I need to hear something nice from you, please."

She laughs at me and says, "Well, the eggs were good."

The eggs? The cold eggs were good? That's all you can say, I thought?

"Oh, my" I said, "I can't take anymore." and I left silently crying. 

With the front door open, I could her her laugh, "Well, party's over... your mom's upset. Daniel, I guess I made your wife mad."

I just sat. Sat there on my bed and cried. 

Returning outside, seeing my little family playing in the yard. My mom gone. I just sat there, watching them; letting her coffee just sit there. In fact that cup sat there all night. 

That cold cup of coffee--representing her cold spirit.

I suppose it starts now, doesn't it mommas? As much as I'm not like my mom, in some ways I am. Tell me, how much do you think that spilled glass of milk cost? I bet it's less than $2.50. How about that muddy foot? How much does that cleaner set me back?

Are those the moments where my grace ends and bitterness begins?

You see, It's not about the money. Anyone would agree treating me like a piece trash over a $2.50 pot from a department store is crazy. It's more than the money, deep down it's all about the relationship.

It's not about the math homework, or the broken picture frame. It's not about the chore done wrong, or the tattle tale told once again. It's about the relationship.

Grace must cover all things, both big and small, for there to be relationship. 

 "Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." Colossians 3: 12-14 NIV

Playing a game with my Alli a few weeks back at a bridal shower the question was asked, "What is some advise you would give the mother of the bride?"

Alli, in her girlish way, just wrote a simple question.

When i get married, will you help me with my situations?

My heart swelled and I breathed deep.

I will help you with all of your situations.

I will know you.

Because my Jesus is so good and He makes all things new -- I will stumble often, but by His grace, I will stand tall, dust off my knees, and try again.

It's all about the beauty of being made new, friends.

It's all about getting up and trying again.

May your grace build relationship today.

I am right there with you,

Becoming a Weak Parent {how to truly become strong}

 All my children have played in the water. Emmyn's the only one who ever crawled in.

Oh, this girl. She keeps me on my toes. 

It's a great thing to do when you're busy in the kitchen, cleaning up or preparing dinner. I'm sure you've done it too; filled the sink up and let them play. Your children stand there on their stool all cute. Sometimes wearing just a diaper; other times totally naked, cute as can be, saying things like, "lookie momma" and "woooow." 

Not my Emmyn. 

She throws the water. She turns on the hot water. She gets in feet first. 

She lives life to it's very fullest. She is lively. 

Oh, lively to say the least. She will look me straight in the eyes and say, "No." I'll say, "Let's go brush our teeth." She'll say, "I already did." 

She totally did not.

Do you have an Emmyn? Are her feet always wet or dirty? Her diaper always off and naked bun-buns exposed? And why is she still in a diaper anyway? Does she have a favorite shirt she wants to wear every day and she doesn't care if it's two sizes too small? Did you hide the shirt last night and you are anticipating the melt down this morning? Oh, and of course it doesn't matter what store you're in or if you're at the library; perhaps even just on the phone, she is loud.

Oh, momma. I am right there with you. 

How do we handle these lively little ones, living life to it's fullest, pressing each and every button us mommas have? 

Sometimes, do you just want the elevator to stop and you get off? She can just keep pressing buttons--but let you off at the 1,243rd floor because you've had enough.

Yeah, me too. 

I think it was after the tenth Emmyn episode, subtracting 92 from 68 for the one-hundredth time with my eight year old, telling my five year old, once again, to pick up the legos before I cut my foot on them; helping my eleven year old with entry level geometry (can you tell I hate math?) all while needing to head out the door to pick up the teenager, when I asked myself the question, a.g.a.i.n...

"LORD, am I doing anything right?"

He simply whispered, "My grace is enough" and my face couldn't help but smile big and I thought, 

Yes, it is. 

Paul shares, 

"I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know—God knows. And I know that this man—whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows—was caught up to paradise and heard inexpressible things, things that no one is permitted to tell. I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses. Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 2-10

Am I saying my little Emmyn is a thorn of my flesh? A messenger of Satan? No. But she sure isn't an angel and I always know she is there. She challenges me, keeps me humble, reminds me daily of the struggle between good and bad. She tells me no, she hits, she kicks, she scowls. Some would think, she hates me at times but then, she turns sweetly and kisses me. 

I am so weak in many, many areas but weak in parenting? We can't do that, after all, that is where us mommas need to be the strongest, right?

Maybe not.

Parenting--It's the one thing I want to pick up and handle all on my own. In fear, I worry. Sometimes I even get so caught up in what I need to do to "fix" one of my children, I forget to pray about it! Then, when I pray about it, most times, I carry on my own way with strength and an iron fist-- ready to head into battle.  I don't want to be weak, I want to fix it. Fix her. 

  

How do I truly surrender my weakness? And after surrender, what about boasting? How do I boast about that weakness--and gladly at that?

How do we then boast in our weakness so that Christ's power can rest on us, after all, that's what we need most in times like this, right?

How do we rejoice time.and.time.again?

By his grace. His grace is enough. 

It's like-- "The first shall be last, and the last shall be first." It's like the King who came to rule, but ruled in love.  It's almost incomprehensible. We must become weak to become strong. 

We have to come to grips with having a child, wild child at that, different than our other cookie cutter children. {or other peoples cookie cutter children} She is given to us, for this moment, from God.

"Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him..." Psalm 127:3

We have to pray for wisdom. Pray God will show us how to love her. How to love her best. 

 ^"But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness." James 3: 17-18

We have to have limits, she can't run all over us. We have to pray God will help us keep to those limits, without giving in. Besides, that's the only way we will be able to keep those limits because we both know, those limits haven't worked in the past.

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

We have to do good.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers." Galatians 6:9-12

When they are good, no matter what they might have done before, we have to praise them-- that's how they know we love and notice them. That's how they see Jesus in you.

“The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son." But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate. Luke 15: 21-24

We have to smile, even when it's hard. 

"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."
Proverbs 17:22 

We have to clothe ourselves.  

"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Colossians 3:12

We have to forgive them. Sometimes, the children who hurt us most, are old enough to know better.

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." Matthew 18:21-22

We have to become a servant of all-- and sometimes, this means serving our children. Even when it's hard. Even after they've told you no, hit you, kicked, and screamed.

"For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:45

We must be strong in our weakness. Knowing, by becoming weak and submitting our joys, our failures, and all the in-betweens of parenting to the One who makes us strong, will give us strength.  

"For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 2-10

That is the only strength we need, the strength that comes from the One clothed in grace. 

 Boasting in weakness along with you, friend.


Lovingly, 

Outside of that crazy thing called love, there is no God? how He is crazy in love with you! {Amazing YOU}

Some people are just good, maybe. 

Others, are lots of things. 

I am of the latter. 

What? Surprised? I know, I know... not so much of a surprise, huh? 

Truth is, it's the truth. 

I'm a mess.

 

I think, however, I am finding-- being a mess is the new "in" as far as Christian culture goes. The days of looking like the cookie cutter perfect Christian are going by the wayside and the "I'm not perfect, I'm flawed and I need Jesus look is in." 

And I wear it well. 

I am very flawed and crazy in need of Jesus. 

The trouble with being this new kind of "cool" is: We're all here.  I'm here, you're here, she's here, he's there, some of them are there, our parents are here, and even some of our grandparents. Problem is, being cool is harder than you think. 

Track with me here. 

I wonder if being "messed up and in need of grace" is really as cool as we think. 

Take myself for example: Let us expose my "coolness" - shall we?

I don't like crosses. I don't have them in my house, I don't wear them as jewelry, or apparel. I don't say, "God Bless America", and I don't pledge my allegiance to a flag. I like secular and christian music both, I love to dance like crazy with music loud and crazy kids. I drink the occasional glass of wine, sometimes a swear word comes out in adult conversation, and I often justify my haughtiness towards people who look down on the poor. Sometimes, the bible totally confuses me-- even makes me question, religious people make me super sad, I don't know where I totally stand on abortion or gay rights, I struggle with feeling worthy or of worth. If you eat processed foods often, I have to remind myself, it's OK. My children don't watch Disney channels or follow any of the recent "Bieber" type fads... sometimes (OK, always) I wonder why other children do.  Why do I do that when it's none of my business? *sigh* 

I digress. 

I don't wear or own crosses because I don't feel it is something Jesus would want me to make a fashion statement or "bling out" I think he would rather I smile, show love, talk with someone, help someone, rather than wear an item of fashion. (I know you do all those and wear crosses) I also realize it is a big step for some to wear a cross. It's OK, It's just me. I don't judge your crosses. 

I don't say "God Bless America" I'd rather say, "God Bless Everyone" It's just me. 

Come on, I don't listen to hard core rap or anything icky. But I love me a little Maroon 5 Moves Like Jagger (but we can't watch their videos), or Train from time to time. Along with various folk songs. 

Hold it, hold it, I like wine occasionally-- I didn't say I get drunk. And when in paid ministry, daily attending to the needs and mentorship of teenagers and parents, wine was not even a thought. You can't tell teenagers not to be drinking if you are, no matter how rare it is. 

I don't know where I stand on abortion or gay rights because I think everyone has free will- we can't force non-Christians to follow the ways of Jesus and we can't pretend to walk in other peoples shoes.  Now, government funding? I know where I stand on that, not a fan. 

There are days when I justify all of these and there are days when some of these make me fall to my knees. And this is just to name a few.  There are days when I wish I could just wear by best dress to church on Sunday morning, sing some songs, listen to some talking, go home feeling all christian and be happy- be safe.

Honestly, there are days when following Jesus is hard and confusing. Things I use to think were important aren't anymore. Things I use to think we're "Biblical" maybe never were, and always I'm starting back at square one. 

On my knees. Literally. Asking, begging, pleading with God.

"O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above"

One thing never changes.

I am absolutely in love with our savior.

How do we serve a non-changing but totally supernatural GOD of the universe? How do we just love. Love unconditionally. How do we condemn people for things of today when people of 100 years ago would have condemned us for what we Christians now do and allow in our homes today? How do we confront sin in a brother instead of talking to another brother about it? How do we forgive those hard to forgive people? Better yet, how do we forgive ourselves?

Do you see what I mean? Where is that church dress, fancy music, and sermon? Buffet afterwards? I need to just feel "safe" and quit thinking!  Maybe this "cool" messed up club isn't very fun.

----------------------------------

How do we protect ourselves from the enemies lies of worthlessness? After all, he is always out to destroy us. He is always reminding us of all our wrongs. To have it his way: we would be his next reckless, Adam Lanza. He wants to get inside of us and destroy our minds, our relationships, our everything. He wants our yuckiness to spill over and infect all those close to us.

He wants to steal our gift. 

Our gift of grace. He wants us to think we are not worthy of such a gift. As though he would understand worthy. HA!

He whispers little lies like, "Oh, it's not that bad... is it?" OR "Remember what you did? God wouldn't choose someone like you." He is the king of justifying our sinful, selfish nature and then reminding us of it.  Because he wants to devour us.

He's out to steal our worth.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8NIV

 Looking for me. Looking for you. 

Sometimes he makes us feel like we are better than others. But how can that be when Jesus loves us all the same? Sometimes he makes us feel more holy because we "do" more. Or he makes us feel worthless because we just don't do enough. 

Sometimes, he simply tricks us into staying so busy-- trying to be perfect, that we don't make time for being broken.

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Lean near and let me whisper something sweet into your ear, friend. God is so in love with you. Broken, messy, wonderful, you!

And he is bigger than everything you could ever imagine. He is bigger than any storm, he is bigger than any lie of worthlessness or self righteous. He is bigger than any hurt and can heal any wound. He is bigger than politics, secular music, and processed foods.

You will never figure him out, you will never know all the answers. you will never display him-- outside of love, correctly.

Outside of love, there is no God.

 "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1 John 4:8

He designed love.

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us."
John 3:16

He didn't come and rule with a strong hand, he came to die. 

A friend of mine recently said, "My way of seeing the world continually shifts. But through it all, the beauty of Jesus who sacrificed his life for the Kingdom of God compels me. His vision of a new humanity caused him to not only die for a cause, but to die for a cause when he could have killed to force his vision upon the world. "

He reminds us of it's attributes. 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13: 4-6

Love is the only absolute when it comes to understanding the complexity, the diversity, the absolute magnificence of the one true God. 
 

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55 8-9

The drunk, He loves.

The gossip, He loves.

The preacher, He loves.

Me, He loves.

You, He loves.

That, and that alone is our secret weapon.

May His love silence out the roaring lion in your life and may you feel like the treasure you are. 

May you feel His love today and always, friends. And may that love cause you to be radical, different, and outstanding, you!

Simply because you are loved. 

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