Because the enemies lies are sometimes louder than His whispers

In this world of openness, self imposed, I know -- I sometimes tuck my head inside my shell. Some times, I run away. Sometimes I get mad. Sometimes I get confused. Sometimes, I'm just young. A lot of times I just cry and hate this life. 

My heart longs for heaven. 

To the point that some times, the enemy's voice speaks louder than my Kings.

Some days I wonder, how do I turn to someone and tell them--

-this is the best life.

I remember when I felt that way. I remember thinking this was the best life. When I first found grace. Before my eyes were always so open.

Now, I feel my heart will explode and even worse, some times it lies. Some days I get mad at where God has me, some days I feel alone. Some days, I feel like a pawn in the game called God.

Some days, I'm mad because I can't just close my eyes and get lost in my own world. School, kids, husband, jobs, chickens, garden, games, trips, fun, privilege.

Some days, I manage it all-- I balance it well, GOD- school, kids, husband, jobs, chickens, garden, games, trips, fun, privilege. 

Some Sundays, my heart sings for joy with the body of Christ, others it hurts and has distrust for the body. Some days, I feel like it's all a lie-- this family.

Some days, when I cross the Christians in our town, hair pulled up high, skirts hanging long and mean furrowed brows looking at me-- I get mad-- because I am reminded of that "god" who I could never touch as a child because I wasn't holy enough. Why can't they ever smile back, just once?

Some times, I want the political views and opinions to stop and the praying to begin-- some days I want to hear someone say, "Jesus loves Barack Obama as much as he loves me."  Random, I know. 

Some days I just feel like it's all too pretty. This Christian life. So, people die. And I sit on the sofa with my apple computer typing on a blog? So, people in Kenya are shot to death for gathering to worship and I get to pick and choose the church that fits me best? And to be honest, I'm so picky-- none of them do. Again, the anger.

Oh friends-- if you think less of me now, you thought too much of me to begin with. 

I'm so broken.

Some days, the enemy speaks louder than love. Some days, he disguises himself as love, as help, as hope, as my heart. And every day, it breaks me even more. 

Sometimes, the enemy tells me I'm too privileged for His [God's] love-- too comfortable, too inconstant, too hurt, too wounded for love. Sometimes, he tells me I'm not good enough, I don't do enough, I sat too long or didn't read enough. Sometimes, he tells me I think too many bad thoughts, I hurt too many peoples feelings- I didn't send enough thank you's or I didn't donate enough. All the time he tells me, I don't do enough and I could be better. 

And then the whisper comes, 

1 Kings 19:9-16 (NIV)

"...And the word of the Lord came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?” He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.” The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave..." 

 

God was in the whisper.

That God of ours, in the mist of all my storms, He simply whispers so gently to me--"you are loved."

"i love you"

no matter what you do-- no matter what you don't do

no matter how you feel or what you hear-- I love you.

you are loved.

Sometimes I wonder--Is it the grace that's hard to understand,

--or the free gift of unconditional love.

Both the same, I know, in His eyes-- but uncompromisable and totally different in our minds.

In this world where you have to earn both He whispers,

"I love-- no earning required.

Not only you, I love them all."

I love the mean furrowed brow Christian in your town. I love the immature Christian who never seems to grow, I love the political person, I love the man who shot the Kenyan Christians, I love you in your pretty house, playing with your children just as much as I love the hopeless without a house to play in. 

 

And I'm again, conflicted. Confused and bewildered at that whisper. At that love. 

Francis Chan poses the question:  

"Can you worship a God who isn't obligated to explain His actions to you? Could it be your arrogance that makes you think God owes you an explanation? "

So, I continue to break. And choose to rejoice. 

"When I am consumed by my problems-stressed out about my life, my family, and my job-I actually convey the belief that I think the circumstances are more important than God's command to always rejoice.” Francis Chan

Perhaps when we choose to rejoice, the singing is so loud-- we can't hear the lies anymore and the wounds left by the enemy's lies begin to heal-- becoming just a memory. 

Maybe it's not meant to be the best life-- rather the best hope in this life.

Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love. When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. And since we have been made right in God’s sight by the blood of Christ, he will certainly save us from God’s condemnation. For since our friendship with God was restored by the death of his Son while we were still his enemies, we will certainly be saved through the life of his Son. So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God. Romans 5:1-11 NIV

Rejoicing with you today, [and so desperately in need of His love.]