When your life says slow down but your heart says go faster-- that is a hard day.

I drive over to her house to pick up my little Jordan, who has just finished reading to her, and smile real big, "Hello, Mrs. Wilma." 

Her eyes are even worse now and her housecleaning lady has quit yet again and she hasn't been given a bath in several says because the company who sends people to bathe her keep having people quit. We talk about the wonderful weather. 

She says Jordi read her a couple of her favorite books and they enjoyed chatting over the warm cookies. As Jordan packs up her things and gets ready to head out the door Mrs Wilma asks me to read the label. 

The label of her frozen t.v. dinner. 

It's all crusty with ice and as hard as a rock. I read the label-- scrambled eggs, diced potatoes, and fruit cocktail. You can freeze fruit cocktail? After reading the label, she asks me to place it in the microwave for four minutes because it's hard for her to see. The number four has a big magnifying sticker on it, making it bigger for her to see. She pushes number four a lot. She eats a lot of frozen food.

As I pull away from the microwave, she asks the question. 

"So, what are you planning to make for dinner?" 

and my heart sinks. 

"Well, we're having waffles tonight, Mrs. Wilma so it looks like we are both in the mood for breakfast." Of course my dinner is a bit more fresh and yummy-- bigger and filling. Big belgium waffles with a big side of chicken. Chicken and waffles. 

But I don't tell her that. 

I stand there for a bit and try to pull myself together because my eyes are filling up with tears and I
just want to save her. I want to dance around her house and make it all clean and tidy. I want her to have a bath, I want her to have a warm meal. Really, I just want to put that wheel chair of hers into high gear and load it into my mini van and take her for waffles and chicken. 

But I can't. 

I can't. The list of things I can't do are getting bigger. The hole in my heart is getting bigger and my smile gets harder and harder to put on when I leave my house. Because there is hurt everywhere. 

                                                             -----------------------------

What do you do when your life says slow down but your heart says go faster? What do you do when you notice the people closest to you-- the people in your own home are getting nothing because you are giving it all away? 

When that reality came to me-- I slept for two days.

I don't really remember anything that went on around me. I don't remember meals I cooked or if I even cooked any, really. I remember a quick visit to the ice cream shop with the kids for cards and ice cream cones-- trying to find a bit of normal-- but other than that, the world just seemed to stop. 

When the reality came to me that I am giving too much and I need to let go, I felt like I was going to die. I typed up a letter, I included it in my tasty meals and I delivered the warning to each and every sweetie pie old person. I gave the notice-- Soon, I won't be delivering meals every week. Out the door we went, delivering heart ache and lunch and that was a terrible day. 

And you know what, It's not about failing. I am fine with failure, I do it all the time. It's about not doing when there is so much to be done.

I'm fine now. We have a new little routine of seeing our people and it's better. I never knew it would be better-- but it is. We see them individually now, we get to chat longer because we're not in such a hurry to get to the next home before lunch gets cold. =) I'm not shopping all day Wednesday for  food, cooking all Wednesday evening and Thursday morning while my children's school just doesn't get done.

Now, instead of visiting 32 people in one day, we sit and chat with two or four. It's harder in some ways, because of course when you sit and chat a bit--it takes longer. We see some every week, some every other week. Some we take extra of our dinner, others we just bake cookies. Some, we clean a bit on their house, others might need a repair. We're here and they know it. Our kiddos paintings are still on their walls and they see our cutie pie pumpkins we dropped by with fall love, sitting on their tables-- so I think we're OK.

Not really,  I guess. But sort of. 

What do you do when you really just want to have nothing and give everyone all of you and you'd really be OK with that--when the reality is, you live in your warm house, wearing your fuzzy slippers and you drink warm coffee on cold nights, and you can pretty much do anything you want to do with your life BUT give it all away.

How do we fold laundry, wipe spit up, change diapers, teach math, run errands, keep food on the table-- three times a day, stop fights, teach character over, and over, and over again-- feeling like we are getting nowhere, and still go save the world?

Well, that's not our job, is it?

It's all about the one. And it starts with the one(s) in our home. I have to trust that God knew what he was doing when he called me to this roll of mom. I have to remember life is big and full and God uses time and I have a lot of time, it's all going to be OK. 

The truth is, I feel I would be better off alone, living on the streets with the poor and oppressed. And some days the enemy uses that against me. Don't get me wrong, I am madly in love with my children and that man of mine-- I love them so much, I'd gladly drag them through the streets with me loving on others-- it's that bad. 

God has me here. And here is hard. Here is good. Here is trusting. Trusting that God knew this day would come and he would know my wild heart, and this is what He has given me. He knows the true intentions of my heart and He knows the true depths of my intentions. He hasn't open any other doors so this is where I am and this is good--because it is still with God. 

So, I laugh with my kiddos and we love strangers. We do chores and go deliver pumpkins and pie. We play with friends and are there for them when they need a friend.  We say no and have little so others can have more. We look globally and try to keep our mind open to seeing things culturally -- not as an American christian but rather a follower of God, who is so much bigger than a white American ; ) We go to flag football games, and field trips.

And it is a daily choice. 

This choice of, I am going to be happy where God has me-- knowing he had placed me here. Not to stay here, but to grow here. Knowing the sheep hear the Shepherds voice and if he calls me to do something, I {hope I} will. All the while, praying like crazy that His voice is all I hear.

May you listen today, friends. Listen to the Shepherds voice. Rather it be go or stay, come or leave. Laundry or serving, or both. To say yes or say no. To sit or get up. To walk or run, to give away or buy more. To love one today, or love many. May you trust in where God has you, knowing he knew-- all along, you'd be there. And He has saved them and it's not our job.

Our job is simply to live fully and love fully.

Loves,

there's this special person in our lives and we call her, nana

I can still remember her first words to me.

"So you're here to steal my son, are you?"

She was standing there, between two pillars in the door way-- she scared me.

My skirt was waaaayyy too short, my hair even shorter. Her hair in a bun and a dress long, I knew I was in trouble. 

I pick up her son, whose name was Danny at the time and we backed out the drive.

"You never told me your mom was pentecostal, I shouted."

"Oh," he replied-- "she's not really pentecostal, just sort of."

Well, you could have fooled me.

Here I was, picking up her little boy-- headed out to do whatever two crazy 16 year old kids can do. God only knows, it wouldn't have made his momma proud.

We've grown.

Her hair is now short, sometimes she'll wear jeans, and I'm madly in love with that boy of hers. It was a rough start and I was sure the devil of a daughter in law-- but we've grown.

We're like this crazy little village of people full of broken pasts and memories. But again, that God of ours- making all things new, He makes it beautiful. 

And he's mine, and she's fine and we all walk this road together.

Happy Birthday, Nana.

Much love,

big 'ol Him taking care of little 'ol them through little 'ol you. {a winner announced!}

It's funny how that God of ours works. 

Two days after we announced  "Operation Bottle" I received an update from Christy regarding her adoption telling me the child they had hoped for had become adoptable! The babies home had met with the family of the little boy and they wanted him to have a forever home!

You can only imagine how wonderful this felt! Someone out of the blue organized the first adoption fundraiser and only a couple days later they find out the little guy they were hoping to adopt is adoptable! 

And you know that God of ours, he knew the timing of this little fun thing ending and tons of little bottles descending on their little home-- offering a bit of encouragement possibly on this long road of adoption?

So when I received the message on Friday updating us on the new news from Uganda, my heart skipped a beat and I thanked that big God for his perfect timing:


(FROM CHRISTY)

"It is with a heavy heart that we share this news with you. We just found out this afternoon that "Little R" has an uncle in Uganda that wants to keep him. Amazing to me that Little R was in an orphanage for over a year and not one relative came forward to even visit him. And now, this man came out of the blue and said he will keep him. In his words, they will "manage". The uncle already has Little R in his custody and we are no longer able to adopt him. Don't get me wrong, I am totally for reunification with family IF they are able to provide the child with a good home. I've just seen too many cases in Uganda where children are tossed from family to family and they aren't given proper care. They are often times forced to work hard at an early age, are abused, or go hungry. I just pray that Little R doesn't become one of those cases.

 

I have never personally lost a child in the womb, but I can imagine what I'm feeling is somewhat similar to what a mother experiences when she looses her unborn child. You spend months thinking about your child and what life will be like once they are with your family. You dream about them and their future. You pray for them and that you will be good parents. And then one day, they are gone. Totally unexpected. It is at that moment that you realize that life's not fair. In fact, sometimes it stinks (as a nice way to put it). But then you get up off the floor, brush off your pants, and thank God for another day. You realize that even when times are tough, God has a perfect plan and we must trust in Him and His promises.

Would you please join our family in praying for this uncle? If he truly is supposed to care for Little R, please pray that he will be a good role model, teach him about Jesus, love on him and that he will be a good provider for his needs. And if he's not supposed to care for him, please pray that God impresses on his heart that there is a family that already loves him and wants to adopt him. Pray that he understands what a big responsibility it is to raise a child and if he can't step up then he needs to step down.

We are so very sad but I suppose situations like this are to be expected. I keep hearing stories of how hard adoption is and I believe it. But I also believe very strongly that we are called to adopt and God will get us through the tough times. We just need a little time to grieve but we aren't going to let this stop us. We will continue on with our adoption journey and follow God's leading. We appreciate your prayers - and especially for Little R, wherever he is."




So, when I deliver those simple little bottles full of all your love, I want you to know-- you were a part of something bigger. You were apart of God's plan.

Big 'ol him taking care of little 'ol them through little 'ol you.

Their adoption is on a steady path, with God leading the way through prayer and friends like you and I.  They are praying for the child God has chosen for them and we can't wait to meet that little sweetie! Meanwhile, we know Little R is being watched by the same Big 'ol God and he loves us all-- so beautifully.

Might I say-- God has not made me a rich person because I would always remain poor. How do I choose only one person to win and everyone else loses? I know it's not about the winning but if you know me at all, you know-- I'd just give something to all of you for your sweetness. However--again, If you know me =) you know, I changed my mind and drew two names. It was just so stinkin' fun!

Two of you will be getting a beautiful handmade Ugandan necklas from  Amazima Ministries founded and ran by our sweet Katie Davis in UG.


Amazima Ministries was founded by Katie Davis in 2008. The 501(c)(3) organization, based out of Franklin, TN, feeds, educates, and encourages orphaned and vulnerable children and the poor in the country of Uganda.  We do this through child sponsorship (over 600 children), feeding programs (over 1,200 children each day Monday through Friday), community outreach, medical care, vocational initiatives, and spiritual discipleship.  -taken from Amazima Ministries website.

You can read more about Katie's life HERE.

When we purchase these necklaces we give mommas like you and I, ways to provide for their families. There are no job applications or Craigslist ads in their country, friends. These sales bring hope and a glimpse of a God who cares for them.

On to the drawing:

We started the old fashioned way, names in a bucket and choose one. My little Emmyn chose first, since she is my smallest I thought it'd be fun ; )

And the first winner is:

Tiffany T.

After that was over, the kids and I we're like, "That's it? We've waited a month and it's over in 3 seconds?" So, we did it again ; )

This time, all the kids took out names and we left only one.

  Hmmm, I wonder who that is in there = )

Nicole W.

Do you see what I mean about having fun?! I almost re-took this picture and then my oldest says, "Mom, that's us-- we're crazy" =)

So, I left it. (he, he, he)

There ya have it. Tiffany T. whom I know and Nicole W. whom I do not know. Nicole was one of the ladies who took on the load and did her own bottles for Christy as well, hers were way cuter than mine!

People I didn't know at all, didn't know well; or had known for years took the challenge and helped this family. Many of you not knowing them at all.

I am blessed by you.

Ladies, I have to order them and have them shipped-- it'll be a couple weeks before they are here and then I will get them to you.

THANK YOU to all of you who helped; the cost of adoption is very expensive. When God places something like this on our hearts-- we, in our comfortable homes sometimes get a little afraid. But don't forget that Big 'ol God who silenced the lions for Daniel will conquer any mountain you might be facing because you have chosen to obey.

Much, total, & full love.



this post is a follow up to:

I need your help--and I don't have a church family, really. { I have friends. Friends with this little thing in common, Jesus. }

this was once my grandmothers house { how we must love fully }

This was once my grandmothers house. 

I remember when I was a young girl and we would travel there-- I would always run fast from the car to step on the grass. 

She had the fancy grass. You know, the kind that stands two inches from the ground and feels like you're walking on clouds.

I remember her yard was always so beautiful and full of life. Her backyard was full of flowers and there was always laundry hanging out to dry. I remember she went out and fed the birds each morning, even calling one Robin by name, Robbie. He would eat rasins from her hand. 

She had raised him from a baby and set him free in the back yard.

I remember the day of my Papa's funeral, the adults sat inside listening to the funeral service on a cassette tape. I was outside, kicking a ball against the shed and back. 

 

I remember the way her door would sloowwwly close with that hissing sound only screen doors can make.

I remember my mother and her, never getting a long. I remember my mom always saying, "Mom, you don't have to make your yard look perfect, you really are too old to be out there doing all that work." I remember going for walks while visiting -- my mom would always say, "Oh, my goodness. I don't know why your Mema chooses to live in this neighborhood. The houses are so close together."

I was 12 when my grandmother passed away. I remember my mother had a letter from my grandmother,  sitting on the kitchen counter. She had been to busy to write her back. Those were the days when you paid for long distance and nobody had a home computer.

When the call came in that she had passed away, I remember how badly it hurt my mother.

And now, when you hear my mother talk of my grandmother, she has only good things to say about her. That grandmother she use to talk about is no more and she dreams of just one more day with her mom, in that cramped neighborhood, with that perfect yard-- just one day to sit and love.

So when I tell her I'm making a trip to Oklahoma City she asks me to go.

"Go and take some pictures for me, Kati. I haven't seen it since we laid her to rest."

And today when I give her the pictures, I simply write:

"I hope these photos can bring good memories and not bad pain. It is such a good testament to how we must love fully today because we are not guaranteed tomorrow."

I love you,
Kati

And it did to me, like writing somehow always does--

it changed me. 

May we love fully today friends, 

Related Posts:
When it cuts you to the heart and the coffee sits cold

teaching love through the muddiness of life. { how He uses broken people like you and I }

I'm not sure when it hit me.

The reality. He's not mine and what in the world am I going to do with this teenager? Besides, what in the world were his parents thinking? Sending him to live with two 28 year olds raising four children of their own in a tiny little town called Chelsea?

I wonder, was it the first time I had to use the phrase-- If you don't fix your attitude, I'm going to have to take your ipod and cell phone or was it the first time he raised his voice at me-- raised it louder than any child ever had. 

Perhaps it was when I raised mine in reply. 

I remember feeling very scared. Scared we were going to ruin him for sure and he would never know Jesus.

"Hello Gibson's-

How are you guys?? Doing well??

I miss you all like crazy when I got back to my Taiwan's home. 

Remember we used to riding bikes, planting garden, swimming together, cleaning house, also traveling? Do all the things together as a family... and you guys took your free time, come to my school games, I'm really thankful and love you guys sooooo much, more than I can say and write. 

Gibson's shone the glory, mercy, peaceful around people, let people feel how gorgeous and wonderful this family could be...

I'm glad I could meet you guys, I have learned a lot from you all, learn how to babysitting, how to use the mower cutting the grass without using scissors... also learn how to be independent without parents around, learn how to work hard as a man, the most important is loving people like God does!!!

I miss Gibson's and love them..., hope we can get together again like we used to be... 

Pray for Gibson's to do well on everything... "

Ting.

Because he knew us best. He lived every moment, saw our good and bad. And appearance only lasts so long, right?

Sound familiar?

It only makes sense that my eyes fill with tears and I'm full of emotion when I read his words. Words sent from across the world-- words handwritten and sent right to our little place we call home.When I opened the package and saw his writing, my heart leaped and I cried just a bit. Even now, as I type-- my eyes fill with tears, at just the simple thought of his words written on paper for us.  

There's no obligation now. He doesn't live here, eat here, rely on our transportation. He's home-- free to live his life. Yet, each morning-- we talk. It's his night, our morning and always-- there's Ting.

 

When he writes to tell us he finally attended church for the first time in Taiwan, along side his Dad-- my heart leaped again.

Then he says, "I was the only teenager there and the crowd was small." And I think,

he went.

He continues, "It felt good-like being back with the church in America- I could feel Jesus close. We sang songs and worshiped our God"

I wanted to wrap my arms around his tiny self and whisper, "He is always close." I wanted to look into his eyes and tell him, "You are not alone in this scary journey. God is there. He is real, can't you feel Him?"

And I think to myself, is this it? Is this what it is like, sending them out-- our little children, out to the wolves? How will my heart take this ever again? How can I do this not once but four more times and possibly even more? How do I let go?

How do I trust that God is God and He is Good. How can I Trust that my children listen to God, not me. How do I trust that He is the Lord of their life and I'm not just lording over them. 

After we've spent years raising our voices louder than anyone else ever has-- threatening to take away everything under the sun, for whatever reason irritates us that day; said, what feels like, one million I'm sorry's, cried over math problems, worried over reading and relationships-- then blistered our knees in prayer--

How do we know they will be alright?

How do we trust they will seek Him? How do we know we haven't ruined them for life? How do we know this everyday thing we call, life-- hasn't left it's ugly mark all over their souls?

We know, because we've loved.

We know, because He loved.

We know, because we fell.

Time and time again, we fell.

We muddied our knees once more, wiped up our mess and tried again.

Just like they will one day do.

We loved through spit up, spilled milk and mis-spelled words. We loved when it was hard and they were ugly. We loved just a bit harder when we felt like giving up. We went to games and cleaned the house. We rode bikes and said, no. We showed glory, mercy, and peace to people -- so they could see Jesus. We lived. Together. Every moment.

And they watched.

He watched.

and now he says, "I know the most important thing is loving people like God does."

He doesn't say, "Why did you take my ipod that time, or yell back at me when I was rude." Not, "Why did you make me go to bed early some nights and tell me I couldn't have everything I wanted."

He says, you taught me love. 

And I think, really? Us?

Us, with our crazy bed hair, messy house; and crying baby? Us, with the five year old who's always in your business and the sometimes moody 11 year old? Us? Married, with our "discussions" that can sometimes become heated or long and drawn out?

Us, with our constant talk of that crazy love for this person you've never heard of-- this person called Jesus. Us? Messy, desperate for grace, constantly in the mud of life... We taught you love? 

He simply says, yes.

And that great big God of ours, so full of good, simply reminds me-- it's not about what you do, Kati. It's about what I'm doing.

Because I Am. And I Am good. And I Am always there, can't you feel me?

May you trust-- they are watching you, He is using you, and He is always good.

Much love, friends.

Jude 1:2,

every now and then we do this little thing called school {homeschool links included}

shhh, don't tell anyone =)

States and Capitals? We've got those covered -- right here: THE BEST STATES AND CAPITALS WEBSITE--on earth.

We learn to type for free here: TYPING GOODNESS-- love!
 
OR here if we're a bit younger: CUTIE PIE TYPING PRACTICE-- makes my littles smile =)

If we are struggling with math, we have our own free little tutor here: TEACH ME MATH because my mom is totally clueless right now.

This site always gives us a giggle, especially when dealing with poopie ( i couldn't help it) =) BODY GOODNESS--including poopie

During lunch, sometimes we enjoy a bit of and audio Adventure: OUR OWN LITTLE ADVENTURE IN A BOTTLE--learning through lessons.

Multiplication is made fun here: SHHHH- your kids won't realize they're learning.

ANY math page we need, we print here: FREE, FREE, FREE- did I say free?  (choose your topic from the blue and white tabs at the top then scroll down towards the bottom to see all the options--bypass the colored "grade" tabs, they're a waste of time-- in my opinion.) 

We safely compete with children all over the world in all subjects here: CAREFUL, IT'S ADDICTING-- the timers ticking!

How blessed are us with all these great tools! It is very helpful to have things at the click of the button. However, I have to admit-- it's the time together I love the best ; )

 

Perhaps just being together-- we all learn a little more than we think ; )

Loves this Wednesday!