Thursday, October 25, 2012

When your life says slow down but your heart says go faster-- that is a hard day.

I drive over to her house to pick up my little Jordan, who has just finished reading to her, and smile real big, "Hello, Mrs. Wilma." 

Her eyes are even worse now and her housecleaning lady has quit yet again and she hasn't been given a bath in several says because the company who sends people to bathe her keep having people quit. We talk about the wonderful weather. 

She says Jordi read her a couple of her favorite books and they enjoyed chatting over the warm cookies. As Jordan packs up her things and gets ready to head out the door Mrs Wilma asks me to read the label. 

The label of her frozen t.v. dinner. 

It's all crusty with ice and as hard as a rock. I read the label-- scrambled eggs, diced potatoes, and fruit cocktail. You can freeze fruit cocktail? After reading the label, she asks me to place it in the microwave for four minutes because it's hard for her to see. The number four has a big magnifying sticker on it, making it bigger for her to see. She pushes number four a lot. She eats a lot of frozen food.

As I pull away from the microwave, she asks the question. 

"So, what are you planning to make for dinner?" 

and my heart sinks. 

"Well, we're having waffles tonight, Mrs. Wilma so it looks like we are both in the mood for breakfast." Of course my dinner is a bit more fresh and yummy-- bigger and filling. Big belgium waffles with a big side of chicken. Chicken and waffles. 

But I don't tell her that. 

I stand there for a bit and try to pull myself together because my eyes are filling up with tears and I
just want to save her. I want to dance around her house and make it all clean and tidy. I want her to have a bath, I want her to have a warm meal. Really, I just want to put that wheel chair of hers into high gear and load it into my mini van and take her for waffles and chicken. 

But I can't. 

I can't. The list of things I can't do are getting bigger. The hole in my heart is getting bigger and my smile gets harder and harder to put on when I leave my house. Because there is hurt everywhere. 


What do you do when your life says slow down but your heart says go faster? What do you do when you notice the people closest to you-- the people in your own home are getting nothing because you are giving it all away? 

When that reality came to me-- I slept for two days.

I don't really remember anything that went on around me. I don't remember meals I cooked or if I even cooked any, really. I remember a quick visit to the ice cream shop with the kids for cards and ice cream cones-- trying to find a bit of normal-- but other than that, the world just seemed to stop. 

When the reality came to me that I am giving too much and I need to let go, I felt like I was going to die. I typed up a letter, I included it in my tasty meals and I delivered the warning to each and every sweetie pie old person. I gave the notice-- Soon, I won't be delivering meals every week. Out the door we went, delivering heart ache and lunch and that was a terrible day. 

And you know what, It's not about failing. I am fine with failure, I do it all the time. It's about not doing when there is so much to be done.

I'm fine now. We have a new little routine of seeing our people and it's better. I never knew it would be better-- but it is. We see them individually now, we get to chat longer because we're not in such a hurry to get to the next home before lunch gets cold. =) I'm not shopping all day Wednesday for  food, cooking all Wednesday evening and Thursday morning while my children's school just doesn't get done.

Now, instead of visiting 32 people in one day, we sit and chat with two or four. It's harder in some ways, because of course when you sit and chat a bit--it takes longer. We see some every week, some every other week. Some we take extra of our dinner, others we just bake cookies. Some, we clean a bit on their house, others might need a repair. We're here and they know it. Our kiddos paintings are still on their walls and they see our cutie pie pumpkins we dropped by with fall love, sitting on their tables-- so I think we're OK.

Not really,  I guess. But sort of. 

What do you do when you really just want to have nothing and give everyone all of you and you'd really be OK with that--when the reality is, you live in your warm house, wearing your fuzzy slippers and you drink warm coffee on cold nights, and you can pretty much do anything you want to do with your life BUT give it all away.

How do we fold laundry, wipe spit up, change diapers, teach math, run errands, keep food on the table-- three times a day, stop fights, teach character over, and over, and over again-- feeling like we are getting nowhere, and still go save the world?

Well, that's not our job, is it?

It's all about the one. And it starts with the one(s) in our home. I have to trust that God knew what he was doing when he called me to this roll of mom. I have to remember life is big and full and God uses time and I have a lot of time, it's all going to be OK. 

The truth is, I feel I would be better off alone, living on the streets with the poor and oppressed. And some days the enemy uses that against me. Don't get me wrong, I am madly in love with my children and that man of mine-- I love them so much, I'd gladly drag them through the streets with me loving on others-- it's that bad. 

God has me here. And here is hard. Here is good. Here is trusting. Trusting that God knew this day would come and he would know my wild heart, and this is what He has given me. He knows the true intentions of my heart and He knows the true depths of my intentions. He hasn't open any other doors so this is where I am and this is good--because it is still with God. 

So, I laugh with my kiddos and we love strangers. We do chores and go deliver pumpkins and pie. We play with friends and are there for them when they need a friend.  We say no and have little so others can have more. We look globally and try to keep our mind open to seeing things culturally -- not as an American christian but rather a follower of God, who is so much bigger than a white American ; ) We go to flag football games, and field trips.

And it is a daily choice. 

This choice of, I am going to be happy where God has me-- knowing he had placed me here. Not to stay here, but to grow here. Knowing the sheep hear the Shepherds voice and if he calls me to do something, I {hope I} will. All the while, praying like crazy that His voice is all I hear.
May you listen today, friends. Listen to the Shepherds voice. Rather it be go or stay, come or leave. Laundry or serving, or both. To say yes or say no. To sit or get up. To walk or run, to give away or buy more. To love one today, or love many. May you trust in where God has you, knowing he knew-- all along, you'd be there. And He has saved them and it's not our job.

Our job is simply to live fully and love fully.